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Nov
05

I Think I Love Booze

Every Friday I like to do a little charity work and dispense some much needed advice to a celebrity or newsmaker in need of assistance. This week that lucky individual is:

David Cassidy

If you were waiting for someone to call David Cassidy so you could fill in a row on your office’s game of ‘Former-Child-Stars-In-Trouble-With-The-Law’ Bingo stand up and collect your prize.

Mr. Cassidy was arrested in Florida on Wednesday evening with a blood alcohol level that was creeping close to twice the legal limit. He was released late Thursday morning and has thus far been unavailable for comment.

I wonder if Bonaduce can post my bail.

David, you were the last bastion of hope for the purity of child stars untouched by the ravages of booze and pills. Haim, Plato, Bridges, Lohan, O’Neil, were all America’s bright eyed hope for the future at one point until they started their downward spirals. Even sweet little Stephanie Tanner couldn’t avoid getting in trouble. Now granted, one DUI does not make you Leif Garrett but I was hoping to get through my lifetime with at least one child star that didn’t get in trouble with the law. According to your website you recently performed with Danny Bonaduce at the Kenswich Theater in PA. I can’t help but wonder if the timing of this DUI so close to hanging out with Bonaduce is a coincidence. So David, I’m disappointed in you. You couldn’t fade away gracefully into a life of regional tours. You got caught and have given TV and newspaper websites a chance to dust off their celebrity mug shot slideshows to gin up some page views.

But…I’m also a little proud of you. No, you shouldn’t be drinking and driving but this little incident tells me that you like to party. For most of your career you were the clean cut heart throb traveling around in a wacky bus. While wildly successful, you were stuck with image of a hollow pretty boy. I think you can take this incident and use it to reinvent yourself .

There is definitely a market for celebrities who can turn their wholesome, clean cut reputations upside down. Look at Neil Patrick Harris and George Takei. They are two stars who were at one point or another punch lines. They had a sense of humor about their reputations and managed to flip their public images upside down so we thought about them in a new light. Now they both have a cool factor that we never could have imagined if they’d just been content to be Doogie Howser and Sulu. No, I’m not saying you need to come out of the closet and start making jokes about how many guys you’ve blown. Mr. Cassidy, my advice is that you take this DUI charge and use it to launch a new phase of your career. You can go from David Cassidy “former teen idol” to David Cassidy “Hell yeah I like to party!”. Make the rounds on the talk shows,  apologize for drinking and driving, but don’t apologize for drinking in general. Say I shouldn’t have been driving, but tell us how much you love sitting by the pool drinking your bourbon. Make it into a shtick.

I have a couple notes for you if you are going to embrace this new, hard partying persona. If you need to get somewhere for Christ’s sake, get a damned taxi or a limo. I’m getting a little tired of celebrity DUIs. They’re so preventable. If you’re a celebrity and you like to drink you need to start using your head when it comes to how you get to and from the bar. If you insist on drinking and driving, stop keeping half empty bottles of booze in your vehicle. If you’re busted and you have booze within arms reach you’re just making things worse. At least put it in the trunk. Having it in the car is just going to irritate the police AND you’re going to lose your hooch which is unacceptable. Finally, if you do get caught don’t make ridiculous claims about how much you haven’t been drinking – it just makes you look foolish. In your case don’t blame it on one glass of wine and a pill a few hours before. You’re busted. Own up to it. We all know that wasn’t true. If you lie about it the public will laugh at you, but if you embrace it, if you say something like, “Hell, yeah – I’d been getting my drink on since noon.” we will look at you in a different light.

I want to see a David Cassidy that knows how to have a good time. So take this lemon and turn it into a vodka and lemonade. Hang out with some rappers, hit the Vega$ strip with Vince Neil, see if Kate Moss wants to do

Call us DC. We'll party!

something  (and by “something” I mean coke).  We’ve been there & done that with Clean-Cut David-Cassidy, but we’ve never even thought about Hard-Partying David-Cassidy. It sounds like fun to me.  Show us you have a dark, malevolent streak in you. I promise it will make us take a second look at what makes David Cassidy tick.

Hope that Helps.

-AK

1 comment

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