Today is Thursday so that means:
Every Thursday I respond to just the smutty letters. If you have a smutty situation that you need advice on please let me know.
I need help with this thing. My neighbor and I fooled around on the couch one night and I have always thought she was super hot but when we were messing around I realized she isn’t really my type. She said some weird stuff that made me realize she isn’t as classy as I prefer my ladies to be plus she has kind of a flat ass and I like ‘em round. Anyway, this gal keeps coming over and bringing me cookies and liquor and coffee and whatnot and she is not getting the hint that I am no longer turned on by her but I don’t want to piss her off because she lives on my block.
I know I messed up but what can I do from here on out to keep the peace.
I had an epiphany many years ago. I’m not going to get into the details but let’s just say that I woke up one morning with a dry mouth and a blistering headache and realized that men need to be a little more forward thinking when it comes to messing around with women. Most men don’t do the intellectual exercise of thinking through the results of a hook up. In order to properly assess if messing around with someone will be worth it you
have to think about what the consequences will be tomorrow, a week from now, or a month from now. Are you going to have to see them again? Will it be weird? Will there be repercussions? I know the stereotype is that in these situations men are always thinking with their penis. Sometimes stereotypes are true. This is one of those cases. There’s a two fold problem when it comes to thinking with your penis. First, the penis has minimal long term planning ability. If the dick was clearly thinking about the consequences of its actions then such awkward encounters could be kept to a minimum and lord knows how many oopsy babies we wouldn’t have. Second, the penis has the power to derail the rational decisions of the brain. If your body was Congress the penis would be the obstructionist minority in the Senate that forces the majority to get 60 votes to pass controversial legislation. If the penis had less decision making power when it came to the whether or not to mess around with a gal we’d have fewer awkward situations.
Now there is nothing wrong with random sexual encounters. They make life significantly more fun. You just have to be smart about it. In your case you did not properly assess the consequences of your actions. You thought solely with your dick and now you’re not sure what to do to get out of it. You’re going to have to find a way discourage her from wanting to make out with you while letting her down easy. Since she lives close you don’t want to doesn’t antagonize her to the point where she’s spray painting dicks on your garage or boiling any of your pets. The only way to do this is to make yourself look like the bad guy while simultaneously filling the void you’re leaving with someone else. You’re going to have to find a friend that will make out with her for a while and you’re going to have to tell her that you have gonorrhea.
Since it sounds like she’s not the classiest of gals make sure that you try to hook her up with one of your dirty friends. Every circle of men has that one dude that isn’t the classiest guy on the block. Be upfront with him about your motives.To sweeten the pot make sure that your friend knows that she likes to bring over booze. How you facilitate the hook up is up to you. You could make sure that the dirty girl and your scuzzy friend show up at the same bar at the same time together or you could have a party and invite them both. Whatever you do make sure that your scuzzy friend knows it’s his mission to hook up with the girl. Then before the planned meeting between scuzzy friend and dirty girl tell her that you think you have gonorrhea. This will ensure that she
doesn’t want to make out with you anymore while shifting the blame squarely from her to you. The nice thing about gonorrhea is that the symptoms take a while to appear and it is treatable. That way if your lie comes back to haunt you at some point you can always say you were wrong or you were able to get the proper medical attention early. She’ll be mad but it’s better to have someone who’s in a fragile state of mind reject you rather than feel rejected. Then when she hooks up with your friend she’ll feel like she’s getting back at you without actually smashing your windshield. If the encounters with your friend continue she’ll gradually forget about you.
Until you can execute this plan you’re going to have to start winding down the encounters. Normally I would say it’s an unforgivable sin turn down liquor but in this case you must. You have to refuse any gifts. Tell her you’re not feeling well or that you’re tired. Since she lives a few doors down from you rather than right next door with a little planning you should be able to avoid any random day to day encounters.
You’re not going to be able to avoid pissing her off at this point, but you want to let her down easy. Yes, this will make you look bad in the short term but that is your punishment for not having properly thought through your actions when you were looking for a hot piece of ass. Next time you want to make out with someone who’s a neighbor, or a coworker or a friend of a friend and you are pretty sure it won’t develop into any sort of relationship you need properly assess the consequences. Random sexual encounters work out much better if they are say after a night at a bar or on a business trip. There you can be reasonably sure that you won’t have to deal with the hookup again if you end up not enjoying it.
Hope that helps.