Nov
04

How to end a Fling

Today is Thursday so that means:

THURSDAY SMUT!!

Every Thursday I respond to just the smutty letters. If you have a smutty situation that you need advice on please let me know.

Hi AK,

I need help with this thing.  My neighbor and I fooled around on the couch one night and I have always thought she was super hot but when we were messing around I realized she isn’t really my type.  She said some weird stuff that made me realize she isn’t as classy as I prefer my ladies to be plus she has kind of a flat ass and I like ‘em round.  Anyway, this gal keeps coming over and bringing me cookies and liquor and coffee and whatnot and she is not getting the hint that I am no longer turned on by her but I don’t want to piss her off because she lives on my block.

I know I messed up but what can I do from here on out to keep the peace.

Thanks,

Picky Asshole

Dear PA,

I had an epiphany many years ago. I’m not going to get into the details but let’s just say that I woke up one morning with a dry mouth and a blistering headache and realized that men need to be a little more forward thinking when it comes to messing around with women. Most men don’t do the intellectual exercise of thinking through the results of a hook up. In order to properly assess if messing around with someone will be worth it you

I'm calling the shots around here!

have to think about what the consequences will be tomorrow, a week from now, or a month from now. Are you going to have to see them again? Will it be weird? Will there be repercussions? I know the stereotype is that in these situations men are always thinking with their penis. Sometimes stereotypes are true. This is one of those cases. There’s a two fold problem when it comes to thinking with your penis. First, the penis has minimal long term planning ability. If the dick was clearly thinking about the consequences of its actions then such awkward encounters could be kept to a minimum and lord knows how many oopsy babies we wouldn’t have. Second, the penis has the power to derail the rational decisions of the brain. If your body was Congress the penis would be the obstructionist minority in the Senate that forces the majority to get 60 votes to pass controversial legislation. If the penis had less decision making power when it came to the whether or not to mess around with a gal we’d have fewer awkward situations.

Now there is nothing wrong with random sexual encounters. They make life significantly more fun. You just have to be smart about it. In your case you did not properly assess the consequences of your actions. You thought solely with your dick and now you’re not sure what to do to get out of it. You’re going to have to find a way discourage her from wanting to make out with you while letting her down easy. Since she lives close you don’t want to doesn’t antagonize her to the point where she’s spray painting dicks on your garage or boiling any of your pets. The only way to do this is to make yourself look like the bad guy while simultaneously filling the void you’re leaving with someone else. You’re going to have to find a friend that will make out with her for a while and you’re going to have to tell her that you have gonorrhea.

Since it sounds like she’s not the classiest of gals make sure that you try to hook her up with one of your dirty friends. Every circle of men has that one dude that isn’t the classiest guy on the block. Be upfront with him about your motives.To sweeten the pot make sure that your friend knows that she likes to bring over booze. How you facilitate the hook up is up to you. You could make sure that the dirty girl and your scuzzy friend show up at the same bar at the same time together or you could have a party and invite them both. Whatever you do make sure that your scuzzy friend knows it’s his mission to hook up with the girl. Then before the planned meeting between scuzzy friend and dirty girl tell her that you think you have gonorrhea. This will ensure that she

Don't do a Google Image search for gonorrhea. Just go with me on this one.

doesn’t want to make out with you anymore while shifting the blame squarely from her to you. The nice thing about gonorrhea is that the symptoms take a while to appear and it is treatable. That way if your lie comes back to haunt you at some point you can always say you were wrong or you were able to get the proper medical attention early. She’ll be mad but it’s better to have someone who’s in a fragile state of mind reject you rather than feel rejected. Then when she hooks up with your friend she’ll feel like she’s getting back at you without actually smashing your windshield. If the encounters with your friend continue she’ll gradually forget about you.

Until you can execute this plan you’re going to have to start winding down the encounters. Normally I would say it’s an unforgivable sin turn down liquor but in this case you must. You have to refuse any gifts. Tell her you’re not feeling well or that you’re tired. Since she lives a few doors down from you rather than right next door with a little planning you should be able to avoid any random day to day encounters.

You’re not going to be able to avoid pissing her off at this point, but you want to let her down easy. Yes, this will make you look bad in the short term but that is your punishment for not having properly thought through your actions when you were looking for a hot piece of ass. Next time you want to make out with someone who’s a neighbor, or a coworker or a friend of a friend and you are pretty sure it won’t develop into any sort of relationship you need properly assess the consequences. Random sexual encounters work out much better if they are say after a night at a bar or on a business trip. There you can be reasonably sure that you won’t have to deal with the hookup again if you end up not enjoying it.

Hope that helps.

-AK

Nov
02

The Falling of the Leaves

Dear AK,

I, like so many others in the beautiful Midwest, enjoy the fall colors.  This year, and seemingly in the past few years, the leaves seem to begin turning and then are on the ground.  How can I enjoy the fall colors more fully before they fall?

SP

Dear SP,

By the time that I received this letter the leaves on most trees around the upper Midwest had fallen and the landscape had turned from yellow, orange, and red to gray.  I don’t have a lot of good advice for you because the time for local meteorologists to get a boner over their peak color maps has come and gone. At this point you might be out of luck. If you want to see pretty fall colors you’re going to have to go to Michaels or a scrap book convention to buy a book that has pictures of fall colors. Depending on where you live you might be able to catch a glimpse of some fall colors if you drive down to southern Illinois or Missouri but I’ve lived there and that seems like more of a punishment than anything. In all likelihood  you’re probably just going to have to wait until next year. Since it seems like you have some problems planning ahead might I suggest that you mark your 2011 calendar now with a reminder to look out your window sometime between Labor Day and Halloween.

Way to go Ansel Adams. Now grab a rake.

I am not a huge fan of the fall colors. I think it’s overrated. There must be a gene in my body that doesn’t allow me to appreciate the different colored leaves like others do. I don’t see beauty in the changing of the leaves. I see yard work. I see hassle. I see the signs that the warm embrace of summer has left us and that I’ll soon have to bundle up to protect myself from the harsh, unforgiving winds of winter. Now I’m going to have to spend my weekends cleaning up the results of the trees shatting their leaves on my yard. The most irritating part is that the trees know that this bothers me so they have created a system in which they drop their leaves onto the yard one tree at a time in order to maximize the amount of time I have to spend raking and mulching. Despite the fact that we had three days worth of tropical storm force winds last week there are still three trees that insist on holding onto their leaves. I know that they’re doing that on purpose so I can’t just finish all the yard work in one fell swoop. They’re waiting for it to get just a little colder or until I run the mower out of gas and I can’t mulch anymore. They’re mocking me.

So for me the fall colors are not a sign of beauty. They are a sign of yet another thing in my life that I don’t want to have to do. Rather than wandering around looking at or cleaning up dying leaves I’d prefer be doing something that’s actually productive with my time. To me fall colors represent the end of the life cycle. They represent unnecessary work that I have to do for someone else. They are a sign of death and decay. Oh – that reminds me – It’s November 2nd so get out and vote!

Hope that helps.

-AK

Oct
29

When Pretty Girls Rumble

Every Friday I like to do a little charity work and dispense some much needed advice to a celebrity or newsmaker in need of assistance. This week that lucky individual is:

Jessica White

It was kind of a slow week for celebrities who need advice. Charlie Sheen and Andy Dick seem to have everything under control, Randy Quaid has successfully escaped the clutches of the Hollywood murders, and Billy Ray Cyrus is now free to spend his daughter’s money on coke and high priced whores. I had some advice for celebrity chef Juan-Carlos Cruz about who you should and should not hire as a hit man (not a homeless guy) but that seems too much like mocking domestic violence and I’d rather not go there.

But then there’s lovely Jessica White. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit model was arrested this week for a scuffle with another lass after an evening of what I’ll assume was helping out at a soup kitchen or reading to orphans or something like that. That’s what models do after coming home from clubs in Chelsea at almost five in the morning right?

I assume it looked something like this.

Anywho, there’s something that I find fascinating about supermodels who manage to get themselves arrested. It seems like they have it so good. They’re well paid, they’re popular, they’re gorgeous, and they get all expense paid trips to fabulous locations to have their picture taken. They look so good – so angelic that you would assume that they never do wrong. All they do is sit there and look pretty right? They never get mad, they never misbehave, they never have diarrhea. What could possibly push you over the edge that you’d have to get hauled in by Johnny Law? I guess the sad truth is that supermodels have their flaws just like anyone else. They just look better in their mug shots.

The cat fight happened at 4:50 on Saturday morning. Ms. White apparently left her opponent with abrasions and swelling to the face which means that she whooped her ass. The early indications are that she wasn’t the instigator but she was the finisher. This is not the first time Ms. White has been in trouble which is odd because she’s been romantically linked to Sean Penn and Terrell Owens and those are two guys who know how to control their tempers. You’d think that would have rubbed off on her.

Jessica, for your own benefit, the next time you’re going to get into a fight with someone make sure that one of your entourage gets the video on their cell phone. Video of a supermodel kicking the crap out of another gal is viral gold. If you are provoked AND you win the fight (which seems like it was the case here) the video will spread like wildfire and you’ll be a worldwide media sensation. Using the power of the internet to spread a video of an epic cat fight is going to make you a household name. It sounds like in addition to being a looker you’re somewhat of a badass. The combination of hotness and toughness is a rare pairing. If you have it you have to take advantage of it.

Now keep in mind there is a difference between being a bad ass and being a diva. Any tall good looking gal can be mean to a make up artist or photographer. It’s something special to be a tall good looking gal who’s willing to take a baseball bat to someone’s car. Pretty faces and long legs are a dime a dozen. A pretty face with long legs that will kick the crap out of someone though is unique. We get bored and annoyed with divas. Badassieness endures. Look at Chuck Norris. He’s 70 and we (the internet) love him more than ever.

A viral video that makes sure people know you are a brawler in addition to being gorgeous is going to open up a lot more doors for you. Right now you have limited name recognition beyond  your core fan base that’s made up of people in the fashion world and guys who follow sports and are too cheap to buy Playboy to see boobies. Video proof that you can mix it up like Floyd Mayweather will ensure that people will know the name Jessica

We can talk marketing strategy if you want. Call me.

White. Action movies, TV Shows, non-fashion product endorsements, you name it, the world will open up for you. Look at what a good viral video did for Antoine Dodson. He managed to turn a few raving mad sound bites into product endorsements and internet fame. You’re way prettier than him. Just think of the possibilities!

There is a fine line between the Amy Winehouse road of destructive bad behavior publicity and building a dangerous yet palatable reputation. You’ll have to find the zone where you look tough but don’t turn into a joke. I have faith that you can do it. You’re already a star in the fashion world. A good viral video of you being a pretty face and whooping someone’s ass will rocket you to super stardom.

Hope that Helps.

-AK

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